Cash in your clunky Congressman

You've seen those buy-back programs where some nanny group wants to get guns off the streets by buying them back. One such program offered $250 per gun, no questions asked. (Since you can buy a new gun for less than that, a couple gun dealers showed up with their trunks full of cheap new guns to sell back at $250 a pop.) Just this past Halloween, a group of dentists even offered a candy buy-back program. But we face a danger greater than guns, or even sugar. Let’s go after the real danger on the streets. So I'm announcing the first

Congressional Buy-Back Program

Sponsored by CUSS and CRAP

CUSS (Citizens United for Safe Streets) and CRAP (Committee to Restore America’s Peace)

1. Who: Any registered voter may exchange their Congressman for cash.

2. What: Any member of Congress is eligible for buy-back, regardless of original selling price.

3. How much: it may seem like a problem deciding how much cash to offer to anyone who brings their Congressman in for redemption. But just like the gun buy-back programs, the cash offered need not bear any relationship to the actual value of the item, and in fact, a higher price will yield better results. So, let’s not be stingy here. We will offer a cash payment that is well above the actual worth of even the best Congressman. We suggest $10 for Representatives and $20 for Senators. Any residual bribes found on the person of the Congressman may be retained by the voter.

4. Limit: One per voter.

5. When: ASAP, especially before the next session of Congress.

Additional rules: As soon as Congress gets wind of this buy-back program, we expect many of them to go into hiding. So to improve the effectiveness of the program, we have analyzed actual features of successful gun buy-back programs in order to adapt them to our Congressional Buy-Back Program.

6. “Only weapons in working order will be accepted.” This presents a real challenge to adapt to Congressmen. In testing a small sample of Congressmen, we found none of them were in working condition. So we will accept all Congressmen, no questions asked.

7. “The MPDC works with the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to trace the weapons and track their involvement with previously unsolved crimes.” This should be relatively easy; we can to use The Congressional Record to track the Congressmen’s previous criminal activity.

8. “All the weapons accumulated during gun buy-backs in DC are melted down and destroyed at an area foundry.” There might be environmental problems caused by dumping Congressmen into a foundry, so we will simply export them to France, which will raise the average IQ of both countries.

9. “No identification required.” This means you, not your Congressman. We may still require your Congressman to have valid ID or a passport (see #8 above).

10. “No gun dealers.” Since the people who regularly buy and sell guns are ineligible for gun buy-backs, we think, to be fair, we will have to declare lobbyists ineligible to sell back a Congressman.

11. “Those turning in weapons are granted amnesty from any gun possession charges that might apply.” Any voter who turns in a Congressman will be granted amnesty from such charges as tampering with the witless or obstructing injustice or transporting a moron across state lines.

12. “The program will not accept BB guns, air pistols, long guns and replicas.” Genuine elected Congressmen only, please. No coroners or school board members.

13. “Guns brought by car must be transported in the trunk and unloaded, and placed in a plastic or paper bag or shoe box.” This makes sense. We think Congressmen can be safely transported in the same manner.

14. “Bury our guns, not our people!” Burying Congressmen requires a hazardous waste permit from the EPA, which would take too long. We think the France option will work fine. However, as a back-up option, we have arranged for a 1-to-1 swap as Gitmo is emptied.

15. “Stolen weapons will be returned to their legal owners.” Actually, we have not seen a problem with anybody even wanting to steal a Congressman. However, some Congressmen who have been bought won’t stay bought and repeatedly resell themselves to the highest bidder. So, under the “doctrine of prior corruption” we will honor receipts for bought Congressmen based on earliest date of purchase rather than highest amount of purchase to determine legal ownership of the Congressman.

16. “Make our streets safer by taking unwanted guns off our streets.” We think that we will all be safer when we reduce the number of Congressmen roaming the streets. So, gather up your Congressmen and bring them in.

17. Critics of this buy-back point to the fact that gun buy-back programs have never shown a reduction in crime as a result. But why take the chance with something as dangerous as a Congressman? Even if only one law is prevented, wouldn’t it be worth it?

Drew Clark of Erie is a former member of the Colorado House of Representatives, where he was never for sale at any price.

Fools today, fools forever

(Denver, April 1) President Obama pledged today, "GM Hummers patrolling U.S. borders will never be made in Japan. Remember Pearl Harbor." The U.S. teleprompter-in-Chief also advocated Manifest Destiny South and a defensible border at Panama.

"Remember the Alamo, this is evolution! Adding a star to Old Glory gives America unfettered access to Mexico's beaches, natural resources, and hookers. They get our public schools and craigslist."

Europeans cheered.

Meanwhile, Colorado Governor Bill Ritter announced, "in-state tuition is available to everyone except Nebraskans." Citing amnesty and legalization as his 2012 campaign for the presidency evolves, Ritter made a single-digit peace gesture towards Nebraska, and pledged they will be allowed to cultivate medical marijuana.

"Pot will become available through fees, not taxes, and regulated to dosages benefiting less than four hours. For effects lasting more than four hours call your doctor." Ritter cited as legal precedent the dosage of Viagra but questioned whether the drug is performance-enhancing or recreational.

Perennial candidate Steve Schweitzberger, citing his need of added protection allowed candidates (due to something he said or will say) announced for governor proclaiming: "Giving education benefits to a trespasser is like setting the dinner table for a burglar, and Colorado can grow pot if Nebraska can."

Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, fearing loss of the cover of remaining newspapers, called Jay Cutler a "pantywaist" and said he will trade for a QB who abuses women or steroids, but not insulin.

ET threat eases with Bush gone

One of the very few benefits of the Obamanaugurasm is the anticipated decline of rampant cases of Bush Derangement Syndrome. BDS is the psychological malady that places all blame for all misfortune anywhere in the world squarely on the shoulders of our 43rd president, or any of the administration’s supporting cast. Here in Colorado, BDS went out with an attempted bang at Aspen on New Year’s Eve, when a psychologically disturbed Bush-hater (is there any other kind?) left bombs at two banks, prepared more, and delivered threatening notes promising a “horrible price in blood." The reason: “Too many people and I do hate Rove/Bush with a passion.”

The various feeble attempts at Bush-bashing in the media (“Was Bush the worst president ever, or just one of the worst of the last century?”) and during the Inaugurasm festivities were at worst the final pathetic whimper of BDS as the 43rd presidency drew to a close.

But just when it appeared that Bush Derangement Syndrome had at long last culminated in a bang or a whimper, it appears that we’re not through with the loony lefties (literally in this case) just yet. Buried deep in the 22 January edition of the possibly-soon-to-be-late-lamented Rocky Mountain News (p.28) is the following gem:

Alien Invasion Plan on Hold

A proposed ballot initiative to create a government commission in Denver tasked with developing a strategy to deal with space aliens on Earth has been shelved.

For the time being, anyway.

"It’s on hold for now because of the confidence that I feel and a lot of people feel in the Obama administration in moving toward more disclosure of the UFO/extraterrestrial information," said Jeff Peckman, whose proposed Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission generated national headlines.

"But I would say I’m only 51 percent confident, so I’m not abandoning the ballot initiative," he said Wednesday.

Whew! It’s good to know that the Obamessiah has the confidence (well, 51% confidence, anyway) of the moonbat contingent, and in addition to healing the planet, halting the rise of the oceans, caring for the sick, housing the people (“living in the street”), shoeing the children (“with no shoes on their feet”) – oh, there’s a solution – Obama will be working on the alien invasion issue.

When does that poor man ever sleep?

Islam's ancient inferiority complex

As I read history, the supposed flowering of Islamic civilization a thousand years ago was not an indigenous Muslim phenomenon. Such advances as they achieved were owing to the Dhimmis (compliant infidels) who had been captured and enslaved during the Jihads from 637 AD onwards. It was the Jews, Christians and the Persians who were the managers, bankers, and scientists that enriched the Islamic civilization of that time. But eventually, the Dhimmis died out and their children converted to Islam to avoid the second class status of Dhimmitude: and progress stopped. Higher “education” in Islam is much as it was in medieval Europe. Islamic scholars stroll around in their robes with their disciples in tow. Any inquiry is considered an effrontery to the authority of the professor and is not received kindly. The subject matter is the Islamic trilogy with no end to the theological debate.

Even today, young men in black hoods and AK 47’s patrol Middle East campuses to assure nothing “counter to Islam” is on campus! It gives new meaning to the term “hostile learning environment”, a concept used by progressive professors in the United States to sue students who ask disagreeable questions.

In Islam, Mohammed is considered the final prophet, and it is believed there is no reason to study anything else. No one dares admit that running a 21st Century society on 7th Century aphorisms is problematic.

Islamics compensate for the backwardness of every Islamic society on earth by contempt for and feelings of superiority over all non-believers. The only way Islamics can validate these feelings is to destroy the civilized world, to roll the standard of living back a 1000 years and to force submission to Islam.

Thus, the mythical flowering Islamic Civilization of yore was really theft and deception. What else would you like to reach out and understand or dialog about?

2009: How strange will it be?

Satirizing politics isn't easy; your imaginary absurdity keeps getting overtaken by the real thing. It wasn't that long ago when we taped our twisted fantasy of 2009 for Colorado Public Television, but since then the Senate vacancy farce has exploded, and now there's the Broncos melodrama on top of that. Embarrassment of riches! Must have been too much merriment on 12/31, because I woke up on 1/1 thinking what a masterstroke it would be if Ritter named Mike Shanahan to Salazar's Senate seat. It could only help the Dem ticket in Colorado next year -- and what a way to take some of the media glare off Ritter's floundering fellow governors, Blago in IL and Patterson in NY, as they grasp for gravitas amid senatorial follies of their own.

Anyhow, Susan Barnes-Gelt and I did get off a few good gibes in our "Head On" exchange about '09's nutty possibilities, currently airing on Channel 12 in Denver and elsewhere across the state. Here's the script:

John: It’s time again for Susan and John’s fearless New Year's predictions. 2009 is gonna be crazy. Harry Reid launches a deodorant brand. Jon Stewart and Joe Biden trade jobs. Bill Ritter gives up the governor gig and heads back to Africa as a missionary. Colorado Public Television acquires the Rocky.

Susan: Republicans drown Grover Norquist in a bathtub. Sarah Palin replaces Shawn Hannity and Bill O'Reilly on Fox News, as the station struggles for viewers. Bill Clinton's handicap falls to the single digits as he's banished to the links for the next four years.

John: The Secretary of State’s husband will still have an ethical handicap in triple digits. So Hillary dumps Bill and marries Henry Kissinger. The Onion acquires the New York Times. Mattel acquires GM. The Mafia acquires Chicago. The Obamas get a pretty little pitbull and name it Sarah.

Susan: Hickenlooper goes to Washington to head the Department of Special Events - the perfect job for a guy who is better at putting on a show than governing a city. With DC becoming the nation's new financial hub, Pennsylvania Avenue changes its name to Wall Street and the bankers morph to street sweepers.